So...it's been a while. Life, various mental health issues, poor decision making and other things have got in the way a bit, but I feel like I might need a little catharsis here as the last year has been a total fucking disaster.
It all started when I got moved to a brand new team at work. At first, it was all happy. There was me, my line manager and team lead R, and M, who had been doing the job of the team, before we were all merged. M, frustrated at being passed over for promotion, despite covering R's job before the team was created, soon left and was replaced by L. So we muddled along quite happily for a bit. Then R told me he'd managed to get a promotion and was leaving the team. R left, and was not replaced. They were always "just about to advertise it" or "writing a business case for a replacement" - in other words, too cheap to actually fill the position. A bit annoyed, I put the feelers out for a new job. I went for a job interview with a different firm, but they took forever to get back to me and I had a few concerns. They offered me the job with a huge payrise but I was still in two minds. Then L. told me she was pregnant and going on maternity leave. Knowing they'd never bother to replace her, and panicking about being left to write an entire new system by myself, I accepted the other job, ignoring the many, many red flags.
The new job, well, it was a disaster. I never should have ignored the very obvious "Don't take this job!" signs, but I put it down to anxiety. First, the guy who interviewed me in the first place, rescheduled the interview because he "had a meeting at the scheduled time". He later told me it was because his kid had a school play, showing a little of what was to come with his management skills. They took forever to get back to me because of restructuring. Part of the reason I joined was that the location was more convenient, but almost as soon as I accepted the job, they decided to close that office.
My first day in the office, I cried. In fact, I cried every single miserable day I worked in that awful, miserable place. When I started I was assigned a buddy who read the manual to me in a robotic voice and left me to it. My manager was in meetings all day. I had no computer, because they hadn't bothered to get one for me. I spent the entire afternoon staring at the wall and reading the manual over and over again. It didn't get better. I eventually got a computer but after 6 months, still didn't have quite all the access I needed, and nobody would tell me how to go about getting that access. I got phone calls from HR for other people. I got mail to my home from them, addressed to other people. The requested adjustments for my disability were ignored and I was told it was all in my head. My colleagues barely spoke to anyone and were all miserable except when they were sucking up. The head of the team was an insufferable arsehole and I'm pretty sure he was cheating on his wife. The work I was given was robotic and never fully explained. I had to do so many update meetings that I couldn't make any progress with the work, and I didn't really want to do it anymore. My productivity dropped off a cliff. The only thing that got me through it was that there was a lovely walk by the river where I could go and be by myself and quiet. I went there in all weathers. It was a temporary sanctuary though, as the company was moving to a business park, far away from anything pretty. When I started wondering whether maybe, it was better to be hit by a tram rather than spend 8 hours in that building, I decided it was time to move on. I got in touch with the recruitment consultant who had got me the job and begged him to get me something, anything, else. He didn't return my phone calls. All other leads petered out. In the end, I got in touch with someone back at the old job and asked if I could go back. It was humiliating and embarrassing, but it was also better than the alternative of staying. Luckily, they'd been unable to replace me and were happy to have me back. I resigned and the new place offered me an extra £5k to stay. I declined and at the end of March, I went back to my old job.
I'd been back in my new job exactly a day and a half when my dad was rushed to hospital. 3 weeks later, he died. Losing him is by far the worst thing that's ever happened. I will post in more detail about that.
I've had trouble with my mental and physical health Juggling my medical condition, pain, the psychological damage of the whole job change meaning I second guess every decision I make now, I gained a lot of weight quickly and with that has come back problems, and a resurgence of my eating disorder in an attempt to regain some control. I'm doing my best to reverse the damage, but it's not easy.
I've also been dealing with the MLM body-snatchers kidnapping one of my closest friend. More about that later too.
